The End of Suffering

by Mariana Bozesan

Author and teacher Byron Katie has dedicated her life to shedding light on one simple fact: that the only time we truly suffer is when we do something that she calls "arguing with reality." When we desperately want reality to be different than it is, says Katie, we might as well be trying to teach a cat to bark. We can try and try, she says, but in the end—the cat will raise its head and say, "Meow." Wanting to change reality is hopeless.

"I should be thinner."

"I should lose weight."

Katie points out that these thoughts are an all-too-common form of wanting reality to be something other than what it is, and that much of the stress we feel on a day-to-day basis is caused by the friction between what we think we should look like, and how we actually do.

People new to Katie's ideas often share the same concern: that simply accepting reality somehow means becoming passive or "giving up". They believe they will slide further into failure or despair because the only thing keeping their heads above water is a passionate opposition to reality. She answers them with a question: Which of the following statements is more empowering: "I shouldn't have lost my job" or "I lost my job; what can I do now?"

Katie's method, which she calls "The Work," reveals exactly how it's possible for us to get attached to belief systems that impair even our noblest intentions¹. Instead of focusing on the reality of any given situation and what we can do to address it, we get caught up in our notions of how things should be. Accepting how things are, she says, does not mean that we condone or approve of them. In fact, this matter-of-fact approach frees up our energy in unexpected ways. Describing herself as "a lover of what is," she says, "When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind and fearless."

Staying in Our Own Business
When discussing her approach to these matters, Katie points out that everything in the world tends to fall into one of three categories: our own business, the business of other people and lastly, God's business. (Katie defines the word God simply as "reality.")

Much of our stress and fatigue, she observes, comes from mentally living outside of our own business. "You need to get a job. I want you to be happy. You should be on time. You need to take better care of yourself." When we entertain such thoughts, says Katie, we are outside of our own business. When we worry about earthquakes, floods, war, or when we'll die, Katie says we are in God's business.

If we are mentally in other peoples' business or that of God, the effect is separation, loneliness, fear and anxiety. Even in the name of love or concern for others, Katie says this is arrogant and ineffective. What is right for ourselves? That, according to Katie, is our only business. "Let me work with that," she says, "before trying to solve your problems for you."

So, how does this relate to the prospect of losing weight? Katie says that when we manage to stay in our own business, it frees up our lives in ways that we can't possibly imagine for we allow spirit to guide us. The next time a feeling of stress or discomfort arises, she recommends that we ask ourselves whose business we're in, remarking "you just may burst out laughing!"

• When we are in touch with who we are we are led to see and recognize where we have been unfair to ourselves before when trying to lose weight, i.e., emotional eating. We gain a higher level of awareness and understanding.


• When we stop being in someone else's business we are able to stop pretending and look at the bare truth, i.e., I am truly not empowering myself with the way I treat my body through not exercising, compulsive eating, drinking and smoking. In addition, through this behavior we subconsciously allow other people to control our thought process - we let them (friends, TV, media, misinformation, etc.) manipulate us about the food we eat, and the thoughts we think. We must constantly reinforce that our minds will no longer be used as rental space for the thoughts of others.


• We are led to better solutions to losing weight because we understand that losing weight is not a matter of having a thinner body but it has to do with leading a lifestyle that gives us health and vitality, which cannot be bought. We open our minds and hearts to learn about the acid-alkaline balance, which like body temperature needs to be at a certain level and if it is not (as is the case with most of us) we become overweight and then sick. We need to open our awareness to alternative healing, e.g., enzymes - they can help us to lose weight and stop cravings.


• Through staying in our own business we can change our relationship with ourselves as well as all others we come in contact with, especially our intimate ones.

That one simple question can bring us back to ourselves, and back to our own goals, our own lives; our own "business." We may come to see that we've never really been fully present for this; that we've been mentally living in other people's business for as long as we can remember. Coming back into our own wonderful selves can have a downright magical effect on the shape and quality of our days. And after practicing this method for a while says Katie, we may come to see that even running our own lives can be miraculously easy when we put our trust in the beauty and irrefutable nature of reality of what is.

When the mind is clear, says Katie, reality and our desires are the same thing.